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“Things expensive”, report couple who never fuck any more

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“I can’t believe we spent five hundred quid on a bed we never fuck in.”

Islington couple Jane and John Wouters have reported that the prices of consumable goods is now too high whereas previously, when they were having an enormous amount of sex, it was not.

“It’s getting ridiculous, nine quid to park your car” said the couple, who used to stay in bed until the late afternoon having hour-long orgasms but now spend most of their time looking for original things to do with quinoa.

“I had to buy train tickets to the Cotswolds last week for a work trip and a return cost me seventy pounds,” Explained Jane, forgetting that the last time she had been to the Cotswolds was for a romantic getaway with John just two years into their marriage.

The apparent correlation between inflation and the slow, withering death of middle aged couples’ sex lives has worried economists. Dr Olivier Blanchard of the IMF explained “If the consumer price index rises as forecast nobody will get laid in the next business cycle. Which is probably bad for interest rates or something.”

“Last week we went to Ikea to buy a new coffee table and you wouldn’t believe the price tags on those things. It was so ridiculous we just left without buying anything.” explained John, in what was presumably a metaphor for kicking the mangled corpse of their dead romantic life in the face.

The latest reports indicate that Jane has attempted to inject some passion back into their lives by purchasing tickets for a weekend away in Florence. However, the couple have spent most of the trip so far complaining about their hotel’s unreasonable booking fees.

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