Terrible breakup becomes terrible song

The post-relationship anguish of Andrew Hurst was made immeasurably worse today when he immortalised it with a truly terrible acoustic guitar song. With the stated intent of “making her realise what she’s missing” the 5 minute ballad reveals intimate details of the failed relationship in a compact form that is easily findable by friends, family and future employers.

“If history has taught us anything it’s that songs always rekindle the dying embers of a romance,” commented Hurst. “I know that if she could just see how much time and effort I am putting into writing this song for her, instead of focussing on things like my career and fitness like she always wanted me to, I might win her back. Correction, I will win her back.”

Consisting of only three chords and a classic verse-chorus-verse-chorus-cry-chorus structure, Hurst’s song joins 6,439 other ill-written, self-released, woe-anthems that have been uploaded to YouTube this week with the express intent of winning back a loved one.

“Many people mistakenly believe that honest conversations or even moving on with your life are the solution to a messy breakup,” says relationship expert Poppy Matthews. “but nothing says ‘I love you’ more effectively than really public displays of desperation. I also recommend donning a fedora for the video to display maturity and a sense of class.”

Using only his ex’s Facebook profile and thesaurus.com for inspiration, ‘Two Pints and a Heart, please’ as it is titled has yet to reach its intended audience – Hurst’s ex, Tamsin Jacobs- as it has only 7 views so far, most of which are from Hurst himself.

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