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Woman throws herself in front of horse to get out of voting

Emily-epsom

A Yorkshire woman sustained serious injuries today after jumping in front of a Windsor Grey to avoid voting in the European elections. Amanda Tate, 21, is reported to be in a critical condition after she ran out in front of the horse in the Epsom Derby in what is believed to have been a protest for the universal right not to vote.

“I already voted for Austria in the Eurovision Union,” Amanda tweeted from her bed in Sutton Hospital, “I just don’t see why I should have to make another decision about our future economic and political standing.”

There were similar scenes across the country, as British citizens protested fiercely for their right to apathy.

“I just don’t want to do it, you can’t make me!” screamed Jonathan Boswell at a polling station in Chiswick as bemused officials watched him manhandle himself into a booth. “The British people will not be made to exercise their democratic duty!” he shouted, as he heroically fought his way out against literally no opposition whatsoever and went home to have a 2-hour argument on Facebook about how his time was too important to waste by marking a cross on a piece of paper.

Another man is reported to have gone on hunger strike for around 3 hours after lunch, after chaining himself to his desk, while on Oxford Street a gang of non-voters was seen breaking department store windows with hammers.

“I honestly don’t understand what these people want,” said one confused store owner. “I told them they didn’t have to vote if they didn’t want to, but they just smashed everything anyway and kept shouting something about Russell Brand and the revolution.”

Elsewhere, in Hyde Park a planned demonstration for apathy was cancelled after nobody turned up.

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