Man ‘gradually ages’ in order to scrounge benefits


It has been revealed that Bernard Keynes from Derbyshire has been sponging off the state for over ten years after “gradually aging over time” to make himself eligible for pension benefits.

“Back in the ‘80s he wasn’t this old at all,” his neighbour Jill told us. “Everyone could see he was just an everyday middle aged man. But now, as soon as he needs a bit of extra cash, all of a sudden he’s in his 70’s? It’s ridiculous”.

“It’s really irresponsible. I look over at him, hobbling around with his zimmer-frame, the man hasn’t done a lick of work in years. These people, they always find ways of exploiting the system, and what more devious way of doing so than by slowly becoming older and then continuing to be alive for a sustained period?”

“It’s awful really,” lamented local MP Richard Yari. “Whatever system you put in place someone will find a way to exploit it. The relentless passage of time is there to benefit mankind, not to be used as a tool to scrounge off the state”.

The unrepentant Keynes refused to justify his actions to Underground Magazine though he may possibly have been asleep. It’s sometimes hard to tell with the elderly. Sources indicate that he may plan to escalate his pilfering of the public purse in the near future by dying and proceeding to evade income tax for an indefinite period of time.

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