31 year-old web developer Joel Morris today announced plans to “crack open a can, order some pizza and just bash this thing out” while beginning to do some online shopping.
“Let’s really get to grips with this thing” said Morris, cracking his knuckles and firing up Internet Explorer. “I’ll begin by writing a PHP/XAML runtime scripting algorithm that will … no, I don’t want to install Windows updates right now.”
“It looks like they’ve got some sort of firewall around their sensitive documents” he continued, staring at the login page to his Amazon account. “Classic. These fuckers are good. I’ll need an encryption key – let’s try joelisgreat1234.”
“No luck” he sighed “They must be using a new SSL library – wait, maybe there’s a backdoor” he continued, changing the j to a J and hitting caps lock a few times “Damn, they’ve locked me out of the system.”
“I might have to VPN into the mainframe database – I’m going to need a crack team on this one” he said, before dialing BT technical support.
Morris had previously applied this mentality to his washing up, claiming that he had written a Perl script to rank all the crockery in order of dirtiness, and that “maybe if I hook the squeegee up to the fairy liquid it would squeeze in a few extra clock cycles.”