Britain’s media and general public is reportedly ‘completely weirded out’ by the contents of terminally ill teenager Dylan Martin’s bucket list, released last week in a high-profile PR campaign to raise awareness of acute cancer in young people.
Dylan, who is 17 years old and mentions ‘stroking an elephant’s trunk and then shooting it in the head with a crossbow’ as just one of numerous creepy acts he wants to tick off, has just 4 months to complete his bucket list before passing away.
“We didn’t think he’d put down such diverse activities as ‘fingering my nurse Julie’ and ‘gunning down everyone in my old P.E. class’,” admitted a spokesman from the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which has raised £1.6m in a public appeal to help Dylan get through his list of repulsive and mostly illegal dreams. “But think about it this way – poor Dylan has only months to live, wouldn’t you want to experience life to the full in that time? You should have seen the smile on his face yesterday after he tied up his mum and dad, hung them upside down in his bedroom and whipped them for 45 minutes. One more item down, thirteen to go!”
Celebrities have even got involved, with Adele recording a song written by Dylan entitled ‘Making The Kittens Suffer With My Torture Instruments’ featuring vocals from Rihanna, Chris Martin and Bono among others, all of whom were ‘completely grossed out’ by the unusually explicit and savage nature of the lyrics.
The Prime Minister visited Dylan in hospital on Tuesday, describing the teenager as ‘an inspiration’ and saying he would ‘see what he could do’ about his suggestion that all Asian people be locked up and left without food or drinking water until they die.
Dylan also ticked off ‘publically masturbating outside Buckingham Palace’ this week, with a crowd of his schoolmates, family and supporters cheering him on.
At time of going to press, doctors announced that the latest tests on Dylan’s life-threatening tumour had startled them, and that there was every chance he would in fact survive.