The news cyborg known as ‘Jeremy Paxman’ is to be dismantled after a faithful 25 years of service on Newsnight, the BBC have revealed.
Constructed as part of the secretive ‘CyberNews Systems’ programme, the android was programmed to be as belligerent and irritating as possible, but even its creators were stunned by its success. ‘Paxman’ changed the face of political interviews, mainly from several occasions where its circuits malfunctioned and it continued to ask the same question again and again.
“Despite the fact that ‘Paxman’ was programmed to robotically pursue its interview subjects in an inhuman manner, it didn’t realise that it wasn’t a real person,” confided one of its architects. “Telling it was heartbreaking. It’s going to be broken down and reassembled into a CBeebies presenter.”
“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe,” said ‘Paxman’ with its characteristic note of derision, as it gazed out over the studio where it had lived out its programmed life. “Ministers on fire off the back of a scandal. I watched Michael Howard stutter in the dark near the Westminster Gate – 13 times. All those moments…will be lost in time, like a news programme broadcast at 10.30pm on weekday nights. Time…to die.”
“I’ll. Be. Back,” it added, before stepping into a pool of molten metal. “Probably presenting a history programme.”