Ian Duncan Smith demonstrates the recommended procedure for the long-term unemployed.

Government launch “pull a job out of your arse” scheme

Ian Duncan Smith demonstrates the recommended procedure for the long-term unemployed.

Ian Duncan Smith demonstrates the recommended procedure for the long-term unemployed.

The government has launched its long-awaited “pull a job out of your arse” initiative this week.

People who have not found work after two years of searching will now have to attend daily classes where Jobcentre Plus employees will order them repeatedly to “extract a career from their own anus”. Those who refuse to make jobs appear from nowhere will have their benefits cut and may be forced to appear in Daily Mail articles.

Some commentators have criticised the scheme, arguing that the jobs hidden deep in the anal cavities of the long-term unemployed may not actually exist and, if they do, are likely to be degrading and of very little societal value.

Ian Duncan Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, defended the new initiative. “Just because someone has no qualifications, experience or even basic literacy and numeracy, does not mean there isn’t a job for them tucked gently away behind their rectum. It’s just sheer laziness that prevents these disadvantaged people pulling long-term jobs out of their arses and removing the burden on those in society who are in a position to help.”

“I actually have a degree in economics,” confided one cabinet member. “I’m perfectly aware that involuntary unemployment, particularly of the low-skilled, is an unavoidable consequence of an imperfect labour market. But I just like to watch them suffer.”

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