whine list

Man carefully scrutinising wine list actually just reading prices

whine listA local man has once again successfully passed himself off as someone who ‘knows about wine’ by doing his remarkable impersonation of a man reading a wine menu.

The man, known to waiters only as ‘Sir’, spent approximately four and a half minutes apparently carefully studying the menu from cover to cover before settling on “just half a bottle of the house white thanks”.

Witnesses to the feat were impressed by the way he announced with absolute certainty his decision which had apparently weighed up competing factors such as the grape, region, year, bouquet and what would go best with the main course.

“I usually just pick the cheapest bottle straight away because I know nothing about wine,” said one witness Sally Wickham, “But he seemed to be taking his time over the decision to make sure it was right. It was obvious that he knows a thing or two about wine and is probably accustomed to the finer things in life generally.”

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous, told Underground Magazine his patented system actually consists of little more than “scanning each page of the wine list slowly, only stopping occasionally to confirm that indeed the prices are continuing to go up. I’ve discovered that taking only a minute to do so ruins the performance but anything more than five minutes also makes you look a bit clueless. It’s a delicate act.”

At the time of going to press the waiter has just poured a very small amount of bitter tasting slop into the man’s glass which he has declared to be “just lovely, thanks. Very fruity”.

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