Legendary Manchester United manager Ryan Giggs has decided to bring down the curtain on his staggering three-hour era as manager of Manchester United, Underground Magazine can reveal. After a tenure spanning the dizzy heights of opening the door to the changing rooms and shaking hands with backroom staff, Giggs expressed a desire to bow out “while he was ahead”.
“When he started managing here – what was it, 8am? – it was a whole different world”, said football pundit Alan Hansen. The death toll from the South Korean ferry disaster was still thought to be in double figures. That time the US said they’d stand with Ukraine against ‘humiliating threats’? Hadn’t even happened. For him to still be at the very top of his game after so long is truly an amazing achievement.”
“The decision to retire is not one I’ve taken lightly”, said Giggs, addressing a 70,000-strong crowd of adoring fans. “But I can’t do this forever and this is, finally, the right time. It was important to me to leave this team in the strongest possible shape and I believe I have done so. The long-term future of this club is assured.”
“My retirement means I’ll now be able to enjoy watching them rather than suffer with them”, Giggs continued, tears in his eyes. “It’s been an unbelievable experience for all of us, so thank you for that. Your job now is to stand by our new manager. That is important.” Club officials then announced that the whole of Manchester would be renamed “Giggsbury” in honour of the manager’s service to the club.
Number 267516X, a moth of the Luna genus, is believed to be in the frame to replace Giggs, though concerns remain over the wisdom of awarding a six-year contract to a moth with an expected lifespan of under a week.