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The Gospel According To Dave

jesus it's cameron jesus

“Let the children come to me, for I will decide if they are truly in need of disability benefit.”

David Cameron’s recent assertions that the ‘Big Society’ was invented by Jesus and that he was merely ‘continuing god’s work’, have, much to no one’s surprise, drawn some pretty heavy criticism. But few realise that his comments were based on a new gospel that the Prime Minister found scrawled on parchment whilst exploring a small cave in the Yemeni desert. We managed to get hold of the text and have printed some excerpts here for your own theological analysis.

The sermon on the mounting welfare cuts

(Dave 5:27) And seeing the multitudes, Dave went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples: Osborne, Gove and Boris came unto him;

And he taught them saying:

“Blessed are the job creators, for theirs is the United Kingdom”

“Blessed are those whose parents are wealthy, for they shall inherit the earth and pay zero inheritance tax on it”

“Blessed are the bankers for their bonuses shall remain multitudinous and their transgressions unpunished”

“Rejoice ye, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward from these policies: for you are all very wealthy and will do well out of them.”


The assessing of the children

(Dave 14:56) One day some Atos operatives brought some disabled children to Dave so he could assess them. But the disciples scolded the them for bothering him.

When Dave saw what was happening, he was angry with his disciples. He said to them, “Let the children come to me, I will decide if they are truly in need of disability allowance.” Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and told them he was withdrawing their benefits.


The feeding of the five thousand food bank clients

(Dave 21:78) As evening approached, the food bank workers came to Dave and said, “You have cut our budgets and all we have to feed our patrons is five loaves of bread and two fish,”

“Bring them here to me,” he said. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave half to the people and half to Eric Pickles. They all ate and were still all very hungry.

The number of those who ate was five thousand men, besides women and children.


The last Buller

(Dave 39:23) On the first day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread, the disciples, Osborne, Gove and Boris, they came to Dave and asked, “Where do you want us to make preparations to dine at and then vandalise and then pay off the managers this Passover?” And he replied “Go unto the city and book a table for twelve at Pied De Trois, and we shall dine as Bullers”.

And when the evening came, as they were eating, he took bread. And he brake it, and gave to them, and said, “Take ye: this is my body.” And they said “Dave, have you been at the ganja again?” And replied “Yes”. And he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave to them: and they all drank of it. And he said unto them, ‘This is an extremely expensive vintage burgundy, which is poured out for many from the three crates I purchased yesterday from Boddingtons.’

And while they were eating, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me.” They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me, Dave?”

Dave replied, “The one who has chundered first this evening will betray me.” Then Boris, the one who would betray him, said, “Surely you don’t mean me, old chap?.”

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