Government proposes ‘James Franco firewall’ to protect vulnerable teens


Warning: This article contains numerous references to graphic James Franco

The British government has proposed a nationwide firewall that would protect online users from the harmful effects of James Franco. If people still wished to access James Franco online they would be required to opt-in with their internet service provider.

“More and more of our young people are at risk of exposure to James Franco,” said David Cameron as he announced the proposal. “James Franco is a wonderful, natural thing that can be enjoyed by all people of an appropriate age, but studies have shown if you are exposed to James Franco when you are not yet able to place him in the right context he will only confuse and scare you.”

Critics of the firewall say that it’s up to parents to monitor their teenager’s use of the internet and the government shouldn’t be getting involved. “If teenage girls want to hook up with James Franco there is no firewall in the world that will prevent that force of nature,” says Alan O’Brien, spokesman for the Freedom to Franco group. “Parents need to sit down with their teenagers and explain that while James Franco may seem like a good idea now, they will inevitably regret it when they get older. Banning James Franco outright will only drive them to the deep web where they may encounter Shia Labeouf.”

Teenage girls are unsurprisingly the group most outraged by this proposal. “I only just found out that James Franco was freely available online,” Sarah Anderson told us. “I don’t see what the big deal is. When my mum was a young girl she saw Elvis on the television all the time and it didn’t do her any harm! You never let me do anything I like, I hate you!”

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