"We owe it to the victims to make sure no police officer is ever prosecuted."

Police announce new Hillsborough cover-up

"We owe it to the victims to make sure the truth never gets out."

“We owe it to the victims to make sure no police officer is ever prosecuted.”

Police have announced a new cover-up in response to the start of fresh inquests into the Hillsborough disaster in which 96 Liverpool fans died.

“It’s clear that there were serious flaws with the original cover-up,” said an anonymous South Yorkshire Police officer. “Despite our best efforts, it seems that some crucial evidence about what really happened managed to get out. But don’t worry, we’re working around the clock to make sure that we get away with it again.”

Purpose-built shredders and locked filing cabinets across the UK are already being used to destroy and conceal evidence. “We’ll leave no testimony undoctored, no witness statement unignored, and no victim’s reputation unmaligned,” added the officer.

“This could be the largest cover-up in British legal history – apart from the original one, of course,” said Judge Thomas Braithwaite. “I’d encourage victims’ families to be patient and trust that the truth will eventually not come out once again.”

The cover-up is set to last for the lifetime of the police officers involved.

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