In a resounding display of democratic power, the people of Crimea yesterday voted in a free and fair referendum to prevent themselves from having free and fair referendums in future.
“This is a glorious day in the history of the Crimean people. We have shown the world that we are free to choose our government, free to choose the country we want to be a part of – that ultimately, we will always be able to have a say in our future,” said Rustam Temirgaliev, Deputy Minister of the region. “Except of course when we become citizens of Russia in a couple of months, when we’ll no longer be able to do any of these things.”
Crimeans celebrated their final taste of democracy long into the night. “It’s been very stressful having the responsibility of dictating our own future,” commented one reveller. “We’ve all wasted a lot of time walking down to polling stations, ticking next to people’s names, and walking back, so we’re thrilled that from now on, Vladimir Putin will take care of all that for us. Now we can get some proper work done!”
As part of the Russian Federation, Crimeans will have access to the country’s extensive gulag network and liberal attitudes towards people of all sexualities.