The sunny spell this weekend has resulted in thousands of sunglass-donning reprobates crawling out from the fetid swamp they hibernate in for most of the year, report multiple sources on the streets of London.
The sub-human dickheads, whose sunglass-wearing features range from moderately smackable to intensely punchable, are currently ruining everyone else’s enjoyment of the beautiful weather by taking over vast swaths of beer gardens, braying obnoxiously at each other’s asinine jokes, and shouting out names of festivals they will be attending this summer.
“We’d love to be able to throw them behind bars, maybe even give them a friendly little beating at the same time,” commented Chief Inspector Farridge of the Met Police, “But I checked the rules and we can’t do that without proper cause.”
“Actually, we’ll just plant some cocaine on them or something – hey presto!” added Farridge, dialling up a squadron of police heavies.
“Sure, it would make sense if these people were facing directly towards the sun, while someone was shining a torch into their face, under heavy strobe lighting, in front of a huge truck with its headlights turned on max,” said Camden resident John Moss. “But instead, it just looks like they’re wearing them as a fashion statement – and that would be completely fucking absurd, wouldn’t it?”
Biologists say it is currently unclear whether the pasty-faced dickheads will survive for longer than a couple of weeks of being exposed to the elements, but that it is best to avoid direct contact in case their drawling voices and enthusiasm for wearing disgusting, impractical clothes are contagious.