The BBC raised eyebrows today after announcing that the bulk of the £50m savings from the proposed closure of BBC3 will be spent on one really, really, really amazing episode of Casualty.
“This will be a once-in-a-lifetime event episode,” said BBC executive Paul Boron. “We’ve just driven a massive lorry filled with money up to Benedict Cumberbatch’s door to get him involved. If he says no, we’ll drop off another one. We don’t even want him for the lead, he just delivers a pizza at some point. Brad Pitt’s signed on as a spaceman who crashes into the Royal Mint after something goes wrong with the navigation. We’re not sure exactly what, yet. That’s a problem for our team of 11 BAFTA-winning screenwriters to solve, in conjunction with the Tarantino-Scorsese-Spielberg dream team. It’s sure to be gripping stuff.”
“Casualty shows just how great British drama can be,” said producer Andre Hardy. “After all, who can forget such great characters as Charlie Fairhead, Martin “Ash” Ashford, Tess Bateman, Kathleen “Dixie” Dixon or Noel Garcia? And let’s not forget other indelible dramatic creations like Louise Tyler, Adrian “Fletch” Fletcher, Caleb Knight or Ben “Lofty” Chiltern.”
The entire hospital will burn down only to then be re-built twice by a company of international supermodels, while Samuel L. Jackson is slated to play a hospital radio DJ who plays nothing but the Rolling Stones, with several of their hits played in full despite not furthering the plot in any way. The episode will also mark the launch of a second Casualty spin-off series, Holby City Hospital: Crashed Ferrari Trauma Unit, in which Donald Trump voices a solid gold robot doctor.
Coldplay are rumoured to swing by the maternity ward for an impromptu acoustic gig, and viewers will be pleasantly surprised by the introduction of Pongo, a computer-animated, wisecracking emu (played by Andy Serkis) who will drop in to offer life advice and teach the younger audience valuable life lessons. “Whatever we do, you’ll be able to see it on the screen,” commented Boron, via speakerphone from his second home in the Cotswolds.
At time of going to press a third spinoff of the Casualty brand, Casualty: Coma Ward, was being proposed, set to feature 10 A-list celebrity patients who lie silently in their beds for sixty minutes a week. Early reports are indicating that the series will cost £300,000 per episode. “But that’s peanuts,” commented Boron. “I get paid more than that.”