The European Commission

EU and IMF find €15 billion behind couch to give to Ukraine

The European Commission

The European Commission announced today that after a quick rummage under the cushions of their couch, in which they were aided by the IMF, they somehow managed to produce the €15 billion which the Ukraine needs to help its shattered economy back on its feet.

“I knows this directly contradicts the five years of forced austerity that have brought debt-stricken EU countries such as Ireland and Greece to their knees – but this is different,” said President José Manuel Barroso. “I mean, come on – the Ukraine. They’re not even in the EU, so it totally makes sense. And this way we get to piss off Putin.”

Politicians in Greece were quick to warn the Ukrainian people not to take the loan. “These payday lenders, they are all the same,” said Greek PM Antonis Samaras. “They reel you in with their promise of quick and easy money and before you know it you’re forced to fire all your hospital staff and sell off ports just to keep your head above water.”

The couch was also hiding €45 billion in spare agricultural subsidies, Montenegro, and the limp corpse of Herman Van Rompuy.

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