Harriet Harman once again refused to apologise today for taking a finger of a Nestlé Kit Kat in 1981, at a time when Nestlé was under boycott for promoting formula milk in the developing world, which meant that some children died, which in turn means that Harriet Harman bears personal responsibility for the death of children.
The finger, believed to be one of four in the packet, showed Harman’s tacit support for the deaths of potentially millions of babies, of which Harman was surely aware when she answered “Okay, thanks” on being offered the snack by a friend.
“Why won’t she just apologise?” said one Conservative MP. “There are certainly uncomfortable questions here. I’m not saying that Harriet Harman personally authorised child murder, but I’m certainly going to keep saying ‘Harriet Harman’ and ‘child murder’ in the same sentence until you form a mental link. If Harriet Harman would simply apologise for her role in child murder, we could move on. But she doesn’t, and that’s typical Labour arrogance.”
“She should apologise,” said the boy who brought me coffee just now, which doesn’t prove much but definitely adds to the ‘growing pressure’ narrative now that I’ve typed it.
Despite Harman being under serious pressure to resign over her links to child murder, the BBC refuses to report on the issue, leading to furious claims of left-wing bias. “It’s amazing the BBC are just hushing this up,” said the editor of Underground Magazine, because fuck it that’s just the way journalism’s going now isn’t it? “They should apologise for their bias in refusing to cover the story of Harriet Harman refusing to apologise for child murder. But they don’t. Arrogance, etc.”
“They should apologise too,” said the coffee boy again, and well done to him.
Representatives for Harman sighed for 10 minutes before putting the phone down, calling back, asking, “Are you actually serious?” and calling the allegations an ‘obvious smear campaign’. The editor of Underground Magazine then shoved two Kit Kat Chunkies in his mouth at once, yelled “swivel, murderer” and because he runs the magazine, it’s him who gets the last word.