Piers Morgan’s life is to be ended in response to mediocre ratings and poor feedback from viewers.
Common audience complaints that the British journalist’s continuing fame was “inexplicable” and “hard to believe” are finally being addressed, with his existence confirmed to be over by the beginning of March.
CNN President George Steiner explained the reasoning behind the decision in an interview earlier today. “We cancelled his show, but then we thought, why stop there?” said Steiner as he loaded his shotgun. “Piers made a lot of powerful enemies in the gun lobby, y’know. Everyone’s going to get a shot.”
The decision has drawn outrage from Morgan’s home country, the UK, where people have wanted him to be killed for many years. “It is totally unacceptable that in 21st century America people are still being killed by firing squad – it’s far too humane,” said Anne Mathers. “He may have tortured Americans for three years with his smug face and stupid opinions, but we made him. It’s our responsibility. What about bringing back quartering? We had some good results with that.”
Rumours are circulating that Morgan’s presenting career may continue in the afterlife, with Satan offering him a primetime slot in the 8th Circle of Hell to interview mundane celebrities. “The worry is that maybe it’ll be a bit harsh on the other sinners,” confided one demon insider.