The happy couple

Girlfriend promoted to wife

The happy couple

According to reports filed recently by Balham resident Gary Marling, 29, current girlfriend Joanna will be offered the position of wife going forward, having outperformed key targets in the fiscal year ending 31 December and displayed a proactive ‘can do’ attitude towards their relationship.

Joanna, who was comprehensively peer reviewed in the past couple of months by Marling himself, as well as a selection of his friends and family, has been an enthusiastic member of staff since joining in 2011.

“In general we’ve been impressed with Joanna’s attention to detail and commitment. She was certainly an excellent hire, despite a couple of early interviews where a few red flags were raised over her lack of interest in the position. It’s fortunate that we were able to explain the nature of the role at greater length,” commented Marling.

“There are a lot of moving parts to consider but we feel confident that promoting Joanna is the right action to take. We also have to take into account the unique opportunity we have to scale up this relationship over a 9 month time-frame, although I’ll have to loop Joanna in on the discussion first,” he added, chewing on a ballpoint pen.

Core competencies that Joanna was formally assessed for included ability to ignore Marling’s dad’s racism, cuddling not too much or too little but just the right amount, and being the one person that Marling wants to spend the rest of his life with.

Marling is currently requesting availability for a catch up with Joanna to inform her of the new role opening up and to seek her buy-in. An eagerly-anticipated IPO, expected to take place in a church near Marling’s family home, is being tentatively pencilled in for Q1 2015.

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