Citing “some major glitches and bugs” with the first version of His venture, known as ‘The Universe’, Our Lord in Heaven yesterday called a surprise press conference to launch fundraising efforts for an update that would be “faster, better connected and at least 50% more glorious”.
“I’ll admit things have been pretty crappy for at least 500 years now” said The Almighty, “but the final straw was Ukraine. I’ve done some awful things in my time, granted. All the smiting and so on. But Kiev…’ The Lord trailed off, adding “People keep asking why I’ve forsaken them. I haven’t, I’ve just been busy with… other projects. I want to do it right this time. I think a major problem is free will. I’m not sure that’s worked out quite the way I imagined.”
In a wide-ranging talk that covered famines, warfare, man’s inhumanity to man and aardvarks, the ageing Supreme Being was candid about his shortcomings: “I think, looking back, there are things I could have done better. I mean, I made the first one in 6 days, and it really shows. I was up for 140 hours straight or something mental like that. Never been good with a deadline Me. This time I’m giving Myself at least a fortnight to get all the kinks worked out”
Investors are clamouring to get onboard the latest venture from Allah, King of Kings, the Alpha and the Omega who has posted his fundraising target as “a number not comprehensible by human brains”. “I’d be a fool not to invest” said Jack Hogan. “Have you seen the rewards He’s offering?! Everlasting peace, happiness and salvation from damnation for donations of any size. Much better than the earthly delights most tech start-ups try to flog you.”
Although cited as an inspiration by everyone from Michelangelo to Pharrell Williams, the everlasting has not been keen on making public appearances, leading to many questioning his very existence. The announcement has been met with skepticism by Richard Dawkins, a long time critic of the absentee Creator: “The broken world we see around us is attributable to perfectly rational causes. It’s unfair for the Divine Being to make it all about him again. This is just another example of Yahweh’s delusions.”