Peace has been restored in Copenhagen this morning after the mass murdering Giraffe Marius, was found guilty and summarily executed. The jury took just seven minutes to reach their verdict, mainly because of the accused’s refusal to either enter a plea or offer a defence.
Marius was the mastermind behind a recent slew of brutal murders in the Danish capital with his signature calling card being a large pile of giraffe droppings left at the crime scene. Many of his victims were found hanging from tall trees with chew marks on their feet.
The even-toed ungulate mammal, has been linked with 13 murders and it is suspected that there may be more bodies yet to be discovered. “It was a gritty and suspenseful case,” detective Sarah Lund told us. “Though once we had a psychological profile that indicated a giraffe was most likely the killer we were able to eliminate almost all of the suspects. We soon received tips from members of the public that they had spotted one hanging around the zoo and that was where we caught him.”
According to zoo psychologists, Marius was probably a troubled calf: “Adolescent giraffes are notoriously violent. They don’t share any of their parent’s values as they are further removed from their native African cultures. Young, westernised giraffes can become obsessed with heavy metal artists such as Marilyn Manson and the violence in modern video games such as Grand Theft Auto is probably also to blame in some ways.”
“We Danes are a bloodthirsty people and demand particularly ironic forms of vengeance,” said Bengt Holst, the zoo’s scientific director. “It was well known that Marius’ biggest fear was being eaten by the lions so that’s what we did to him. Our only regret is that we had to shoot the scumbag first. I hope he burns in hell!”
The thrilling story of the case behind Marius’ capture and subsequent execution is to be made into a groundbreaking noir crime thriller with weaker American and British remakes expected to be made several years later.