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New diet helps you lose up to three friends a week

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“I’m completely alone!”

A new diet craze sweeping the nation is proving to be a fast and undemanding way of slimming your friendship group through the power of conversation. As featured in numerous magazines, newspaper articles, and blogs, the ‘Don’t Shut Up About It’ diet is one of the most effective yet, with participants shedding hundreds of pounds of former friends in just weeks.

The diet is very simple, with participants choosing either meal plans, calorie counting or avoiding carbohydrates with the only common thread being never shutting up about it. The more a person talks about the diet the faster it works and it’s being touted as the perfect way to be completely friendless in time for beach season.

“By constantly banging on about what they’re eating, what they plan on eating, and how they feel after they’ve eaten, women are reporting a rapid reduction in the size of their social circles.” said personal trainer Jennifer Nonamis. “My clients have tried other diets before but often find them hard to stick to and by February those pesky mates will have reappeared. Now friends are just falling off them!”

“My friend Karen started this diet in January to help lose some excess friends she picked up over the holidays and I just can’t stand to be around her anymore,” said Laura Clamp. “Occasionally she’ll have a cheat day and talk about something other than diets but mostly I’ll try to avoid her droning on about empty carbs. She’s put on some weight too.”

Feminists are outraged by the fad saying it highlights negative attitudes surrounding female circles of friends: “This isn’t something men have to deal with. If they want to lose friends they just stop talking to them. Its society’s double standard again. Women should be happy with their friends and not idolise lonely celebrity lifestyles. They’re completely unattainable.”

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