"Is there a red dot on my forehead?"

David Moyes warns terrified players “none of you are safe”

"Is there a red dot on my forehead?"

“Is there a red dot on my forehead?”

David Moyes gathered the Manchester United squad at their Aon Training Ground earlier today to inform them that none of them were safe and to “be careful out there”.

“Thats all I can say now” said Moyes. “I’m sorry I’ve dragged you all into this. I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. There are some people that I’ve been dealing with who…they don’t fuck around. I’m worried they’re going to come after you. Please know that I only did what I did because I care about this team.”

Moyes, who has cut an increasingly agitated figure on the Old Trafford touchline of late, looked “like he hadn’t slept in a month” according to one player who wished to remain anonymous. Given a recent run of poor results, being under pressure to keep United in contention for the league and European titles, and with the legacy by recently-departed manager Sir Alex Ferguson looming large, it’s feared Moyes’ promise that he would do “whatever it takes” may have lead him to seek unorthodox answers to his problems.

“He’s been talking a lot about visiting Vietnam for scouting purposes, which is odd as there aren’t many professional players there. The club have a large following in Asia though. Maybe that’s why” said one source before trailing off and suddenly running out of the room.

As transfer deadline day approaches, inside sources say Moyes is looking to raise £40 million in a hurry and can often be heard talking under his breath about living in ‘a deep shadow’. Publicists at the club were quick to deny any links to a Craigslist advert that appeared last week purporting to offer the services of Tom Cleverley at “1,000,000 ONO. Cash only. Highly Motivated Seller.”

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