A private brain surgeon accused of multiple counts of malpractice was acquitted today after claiming “if you’ve never failed at brain surgery, you’ve never even tried”.
A medical tribunal today heard the evidence against Dr. Kieran Richards, who was accused of using a canteen butter knife instead of a scalpel, signing his name on the inside of a patient’s skull and short circuiting the lobes of no fewer than 5 patients. “How is this even possible Dr Richards?” asked an expert witness. “There is no actual electricity in the human brain.”
The trial heard testimony from a theatre nurse who saw Richards “propping open a copy of Grey’s Anatomy using the patient’s mouth”. Mr Richards protested these allegations, noting that “It wasn’t the medical textbook! It was the season 3 DVD boxset and I needed inspiration. Jeez.”
The court heard accounts of numerous other claims including an incident of Mr Richards texting his mother for advice during the removal of a tumour, and searching for “brain” on Wikipedia before doing a biopsy.
During cross examination, Dr Richards, a surgeon for 7 years, defended himself against the allegations noting “In life, there are no real failures, only successes waiting to happen.” Of the 12 patients who have died as a result of his actions Dr Richards said “One thousand years ago everybody knew the world was flat; imagine what you’ll know tomorrow.”
A majority of jurors found Dr Richards not guilty after just an hour of deliberation citing his “really positive outlook on life and inspirational ‘can do’ attitude” as deciding factors.