“If you’ve never failed, you’ve never tried” says renegade brain surgeon


A private brain surgeon accused of multiple counts of malpractice was acquitted today after claiming “if you’ve never failed at brain surgery, you’ve never even tried”.

A medical tribunal today heard the evidence against Dr. Kieran Richards, who was accused of using a canteen butter knife instead of a scalpel, signing his name on the inside of a patient’s skull and short circuiting the lobes of no fewer than 5 patients. “How is this even possible Dr Richards?” asked an expert witness. “There is no actual electricity in the human brain.”

The trial heard testimony from a theatre nurse who saw Richards “propping open a copy of Grey’s Anatomy using the patient’s mouth”. Mr Richards protested these allegations, noting that  “It wasn’t the medical textbook! It was the season 3 DVD boxset and I needed inspiration. Jeez.”

The court heard accounts of numerous other claims including an incident of Mr Richards texting his mother for advice during the removal of a tumour, and searching for “brain” on Wikipedia before doing a biopsy.

During cross examination, Dr Richards, a surgeon for 7 years, defended himself against the allegations noting “In life, there are no real failures, only successes waiting to happen.” Of the 12 patients who have died as a result of his actions Dr Richards said “One thousand years ago everybody knew the world was flat; imagine what you’ll know tomorrow.”

A majority of jurors found Dr Richards not guilty after just an hour of deliberation citing his “really positive outlook on life and inspirational ‘can do’ attitude” as deciding factors.

Related News

Comments are closed