In a magnanimous gesture in response to allegations of inappropriate sexual conduct, Lord Rennard has invited all aspiring female Liberal Democrats under 35 in the back to his house, alone, for a private apology.
The kindly gesture by the Liberal patriarch comes after his suspension from the party because of accusations of harassment, and friends say it shows that the lovable peer “just wants to reach out to young women everywhere”.
“I’m terribly sorry if my actions caused any woman to feel uncomfortable,” said Lord Rennard, as he laid a hand on the knee of one of the women who’d accused him of inappropriate behaviour. “In fact, I’d like to apologise to each and every one of you. In my room. Alone. Shall we take these coffees upstairs?”
Lord Rennard was particularly keen to apologise to another female Lib Dem activist who remonstrated with him about the alleged abuse of his senior role. “There, there, you’ll make it as an MP, I promise,” he said, rubbing her gently on the back. “I’m really very sorry. Are you feeling calmer now? Shhhh.”
As she ran out of the hotel room, no doubt overcome by this display of compassion from such an important political man, Lord Rennard continued his heartfelt soliloquy. “Don’t leave, please! Sit down here next to me. I don’t understand what I did wrong,” he added, sadly, as he patted the bed next to him in his empty hotel room out of habit.
Since this article went to press Lord Rennard has withdrawn his kind offer of a private apology in his room, saying it was all a misunderstanding.