The government today unveiled a new policy that will allow demographics who are likely to vote, to stomp on the faces of those who are unlikely to. Many predict this will prove highly popular with the former.
“To claim that this policy is somehow motivated by the upcoming election is absurd,” argued one Tory minister, completely unprompted. “This new policy is actually about helping groups whose faces are to be kicked in.”
Leading economists are unsure of the long term effects of the policy: “Perhaps a good kick will prompt an unemployed youth to get on their Boris bike and look for work? Or perhaps it will somehow cure them of a debilitating ailment like it does in a cartoon?” said Jack Tibbet of the LSE. “There is even a possibility it will somehow knock their previously ugly facial features into a more aesthetically pleasing configuration, which will make them more likely to be successful at everything. The fact is we really can’t tell yet, but it does feel like the right thing to do.”
One marginalised young woman commented on her imminent face kicking “This whole thing is really disgusting. The situation has left me feeling very apathetic about politics. I’ll probably never vote again.” Likely voters on the other hand are quite enthusiastic. “For too long these non voters have been whinging they have nothing to vote for. It’s about time us represented masses got what we deserved, everything our way and kicks to the faces of everyone else.”
The Labour party have released a statement chastising the government for the heavy handed approach, and are promising to introduce slaps the to faces of non voters as a compromise. “Obviously we totally disagree with the Tories but will implement a nearly identical policy ourselves to cater to voters who it seems may like it.”
The policy is to be outlined in detail in a government press release entitled “Go on, vote for someone else, I dare you.”