Live Blog: Everybody else at this guinea pig show is taking it way too seriously

“Count yourselves lucky. In Peru, you’d all be lunch”

That guy over there with that shitty tortoiseshell-and-white inbreed thinks he’s the dog’s bollocks. Look at him eyeing up the competition. But who is he fooling when that mutt of his has like 3 Dutch pockets in its coat. Total jackass.

And look at that lady, with her ‘oh so perfect’ white Peruvian. Look how crazy competitive she is, talking politely to that other woman over there. I bet she’s just trying to psych the poor unsuspecting bitch out. I know what’ll show her, I’ll flick a little brown ink on her pristine little rat, that’ll teach her not to take these shows so seriously.

Haha she’s just noticed. Look how confused she is, pretending not to be all that bothered, obviously to save face. These people disgust me, they forget that this is not about winning it is all about these wonderful little pets of ours. NO SNUFFLES YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH LETTUCE ALREADY TODAY, DO YOU WANT THE JUDGES TO THINK YOU’RE TOO FAT?!

I know what’ll subvert this whole charade: if I give that judge over there a bribe. That’ll show how shallow and meaningless this whole misbegotten spectacle really is. I can’t wait to see the looks on all these overly competitive sociopaths’ faces when their ugly rodents lose to my glorious specimen. I reckon 50 quid should do it. I’ll just sneak it under the handle of the cage here… SNUFFLES SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU’RE GIVING THE GAME AWAY!

I can’t believe that piggy jobsworth had me expelled from the competition! He obviously takes this way too seriously. Trying to protect the sanctity of a goddam guinea pig show?? This isn’t international fucking test cricket. You know, it really is pathetic that some people have so little of actual importance going on in their empty, miserable lives. Hey, I think that window over there is open, maybe I can climb back in…

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