Mark Duggan, whose death sparked riots in England in 2011, was found guilty of being shot to death by police, an inquest jury concluded today by a majority of 8 to 2.
“We the jury have decided that Duggan is unanimously guilty of two counts of Premeditated Being-Shot-By-Police, as well as one count of Deserving-It-By-Being-A-Dodgy-Looking-Black-Fella,” said the head juror, to the polite applause of everyone in the dock.
“We’re aware that trust in the police is not shared by everybody,” said Assistant Commissioner Mark Rowley at a Press Conference. “Luckily, the trust in scary-looking probable gangster Mark Duggan was shared by even fewer people, which is why he’s been found 100% guilty of being shot in the head by us.”
“We have to think about the real victims here, the Police Officers whose guns were utilised in the process of Duggan’s being shot by them,” added Rowley, wiping away a tear. “Those poor, poor Police Officers. When they got up in the morning, they had no idea they’d end up being involved in shooting this guy to death.”
The inquest jurors also upheld the idea that guns are really difficult to spot when thrown from stationary vehicles surrounded by police.