Death clinched victory once more against a severely depleted Mankind squad today in the latest round of a thrilling contest that pundits are calling ‘humanity-defining’. This continues Death’s winning streak of almost 200,000 years.
Although Mankind put up a valiant effort with an innovative 4-4-7-billion formation, the fact that every single one of them is incurably mortal set up the conclusive finish to the match.
Spectators, who will all eventually die themselves, were stunned by Death’s ‘aggressive’ style of play and array of finishing techniques ranging from violent natural disasters right down to tetanus.
Frantic squad rotation in the Mankind team, including substitutions for Nelson Mandela, Mozart and countless loving grandmothers, unfortunately failed to stall the visiting side.
“If we could have just got into extra time, we might have stood a chance,” Mankind’s captain commented. “Still, there’s never enough time is there?”
The minnows of the so called “group of death”, whose tactics included breathing, eating and trying not to think about it, ultimately had no answer to the questions posed by Death’s attacking formation and solid game plan of ending the lives of every human being ever.
“In retrospect, all of those wars were a bit of an own goal,” said one devastated fan. “The best we can hope for now is a victory over the rest of nature in the third place playoffs.”