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Dying man conveniently has ‘no regrets’

The old man

According to family sat at his side, Owen Wallace, 92, miraculously has “absolutely no regrets, not even one”, which is convenient when you think about it since his doctor says he has less than 24 hours to live.

Wallace, who has had 3 broken marriages and was charged with sexual assault in 1983, has made peace with his past and has claimed, “If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing.” The fact that Wallace is unable to go back in time and furthermore will cease to exist in under a day is reportedly not a factor in his decision.

Other things which Wallace fortunately does not regret, since he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it anyway, include supporting the apartheid regime in South Africa, causing the death of his first son in a tragic car crash, and taking part in day-time TV show ‘Deal Or No Deal’.

“Who wants to live forever anyway? Not me,” said Wallace, who incidentally happens to be a mortal human being incapable of eternal life.

“Que sera sera, I’ve pretty much done it all,” he added, despite having never traveled outside of Basingstoke.

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