According to sources in Westminster, the government will be announcing a new number on Friday. The number, which sources are saying will make things either better or worse because it relates to investment or growth or something, is expected to come as a surprise to people who didn’t think it was going to be that particular number, but will not surprise other people who thought it was going to be that number.
“This is a very important number,” said one commentator. “We’re particularly interested in the size of it. Something over five billion would be nice, but we’ll also take around 3.7%. The last number we got from the government – 11 – was a huge disappointment. So here’s hoping for a good one.”
The Prime Minister, who is due to make the announcement of the number, will likely glance down at his notes before saying the number out loud, to check he has the right one. He will also store it in his short-term memory for about half a second before revealing it to the public, during which time he will be breathing in to stock up on air with which to say the number.
The public is expected to react differently to the number depending on a variety of factors. “I think I’ll probably say ‘darn it!’ if I don’t like the number, but if I do, I’ll probably say “oh, that’s nice,” commented Chloe Smart, 34, from Brighton.
“I’m going to make a killing off this number!” said one city trader who wished to remain anonymous, before a frown passed over his face. “Or it could ruin me.”