121613FeaturesChristmasTreeSalesmanBZ

Tube commuter with Christmas tree has got to be fucking kidding

121613FeaturesChristmasTreeSalesmanBZ

A man walked onto a crowded Underground train today with an actual full-size Christmas tree, as if this is even approaching an acceptable thing to do in a civil human society.

The man – named only as “Twat” by nearby passengers – boarded the crowded train with an 8ft Nordic fir at Swiss Cottage, is rumoured to be travelling as far as Waterloo, and cannot be fucking serious.

“It’s perfectly fine to come onto a crowded Tube on the Saturday before Christmas with an actual living tree, not even tied up or anything, and just stand there with it”, said absolutely no-one at the scene. “Thanks mate. You’ve made the journey more pleasant for everyone, you absolute gem. I hope you don’t get your foot caught in the escalator and have your flesh ripped off.”

Questions as to why the man is only buying a Christmas tree now, on the 21st of December, went unanswered, drowned out by more pertinent questions such as “why does he have a tree on the Tube?”, “how did he get a tree past the barriers?”, “which of the many methods of execution is best suited in this case?”, and “is death too good for him?”

“Sorry”, said the man as if that makes a single thing better, as he callously continued to live in a world in which he has outstayed his welcome, instead of being strangled by his reindeer jumper that he’s probably wearing ironically or something. “Sorry about this.”

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