Uruguay was condemned by the international community today after siding with drugs in the decades-long global war against drugs. Speaking at a press conference in Montevideo earlier this week, President José Mujica officially announced the defection:
“It’s time for us to face the facts: drugs have been beating the shit out of vulnerable people for years now. They’re going to win this war hands down,” said Mujica. “That’s why from next Monday all citizens of Uruguay will be given 1kg of cocaine and conscripted to hand them out to young and impressionable people.”
Domestic production of anything that isn’t a drug has ceased in Uruguay, with factories converted to become narcotics-only production facilities. “People say they are hungry, and yes, it’s true that we have burnt all our staple crops to make room for drugs,” said Mujica. “Including coffee, which we’ve since found out apparently is a drug after all. Kind of a mindfuck. But on the plus side, we now have heroin-flavoured water. Mucho gusto!”
In a statement released this morning, the UN criticised Uruguay’s defection. “There have obviously always been people firmly on the side of drugs: criminals, liberals, medical experts…But we never thought a whole country would switch sides like this,” said UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon.
The beleaguered organisation has sent armed troops to the new frontline between drugs and humanity along the former Uruguay borders; however, early reports are indicating that they have become a bit high, thrown down their guns, and started bonding in a deep emotional way with each other and the wonderful, mysterious universe that we inhabit. “It’s a disaster,” said Ban Ki-moon.
The UK government has asked ordinary citizens to step up their efforts to eradicate all drugs by immediately ingesting, injecting or inhaling them right now.