Royal Band of Scotland

RBS quits banking to get the band back together

Royal Band of Scotland

Royal Band of Scotland

The RBS today announced it would be shutting down all operations worldwide, closing all accounts, ringing up its old bandmates, and asking if they were interested in doing a string of reunion gigs.

“There’s been a few things recently that’ve made me wonder if I’m cut out for this”, said the bank, chartered in Edinburgh in 1727. “People can’t use their bank cards for a day, or I get fined $100m for breaking US sanctions, or I fix a Libor rate, or my finance director quits after 10 weeks. I think to myself, why is this happening? And the reason is, I could never throw myself completely into a business I don’t love. So it’s time to get back to the one thing I ever loved doing – my music.”

The RBS, under its former name “The Royal Band of Scotland”, was the original bassist for “Necropotence Rex”, a Edinburgh-based goth-punk four-piece.

“When I first went into banking, I said it’d be for a couple of years. I could keep doing gigs at the weekend, maybe a couple of practices in the week, you know? Then you’re stuck in the office Wednesday night, or you can’t do flyering for the Bristol gig because you’re getting a £42bn bailout. The band drifts apart. But then one day you wake up and realise – you’ve been doing this for 290 years. What happened?”

“The money was good”, said the bank, which made £168m profit last quarter. “And I had 700 branches who depended on me, so I needed every penny. But with all that responsibility I never asked myself, what do I want? What would the RBS enjoy? Now with 316 of those branches flying the nest, I want to hear those crowds again. Smell those festival smells. Nothing beat those days in Jimmy’s shed mixing the Ancestral Dead EP – just Jimmy, Dave, the RBS, and Bri. We’re a bit older now, yes, but the spirit of punk will never die. I wasn’t a very good bank anyway. No-one’ll miss me.”

All RBS employees will be made redundant with immediate effect.

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