The RBS today announced it would be shutting down all operations worldwide, closing all accounts, ringing up its old bandmates, and asking if they were interested in doing a string of reunion gigs.
“There’s been a few things recently that’ve made me wonder if I’m cut out for this”, said the bank, chartered in Edinburgh in 1727. “People can’t use their bank cards for a day, or I get fined $100m for breaking US sanctions, or I fix a Libor rate, or my finance director quits after 10 weeks. I think to myself, why is this happening? And the reason is, I could never throw myself completely into a business I don’t love. So it’s time to get back to the one thing I ever loved doing – my music.”
The RBS, under its former name “The Royal Band of Scotland”, was the original bassist for “Necropotence Rex”, a Edinburgh-based goth-punk four-piece.
“When I first went into banking, I said it’d be for a couple of years. I could keep doing gigs at the weekend, maybe a couple of practices in the week, you know? Then you’re stuck in the office Wednesday night, or you can’t do flyering for the Bristol gig because you’re getting a £42bn bailout. The band drifts apart. But then one day you wake up and realise – you’ve been doing this for 290 years. What happened?”
“The money was good”, said the bank, which made £168m profit last quarter. “And I had 700 branches who depended on me, so I needed every penny. But with all that responsibility I never asked myself, what do I want? What would the RBS enjoy? Now with 316 of those branches flying the nest, I want to hear those crowds again. Smell those festival smells. Nothing beat those days in Jimmy’s shed mixing the Ancestral Dead EP – just Jimmy, Dave, the RBS, and Bri. We’re a bit older now, yes, but the spirit of punk will never die. I wasn’t a very good bank anyway. No-one’ll miss me.”
All RBS employees will be made redundant with immediate effect.