As the situation in Kiev deteriorates, local man William Casey spent this afternoon scanning the Guardian homepage in order to pass himself off as an expert on the geopolitical crisis.
“I’ve been following this situation right from the outset two days ago.” Casey said, furiously typing ‘Ukraine turmoil’ into Wikipedia. “Personally, I think there are some interesting parallels with the Serbian elections of ’93,” he read directly from a guardian microblogger, “which I’m sure you’ll remember”.
At the time of writing Mr. Casey was composing a series of tweets imploring friends not to listen to the mainstream media narrative. “I’ve been following these guys on twitter who are at the centre of it all. That’s the sort of insight you won’t get on the BBC.”
“Look at these images. Just horrible” Casey sighed, clicking through pictures of recent Ukrainian football matches.
“I’m already gathering material for a conversation involving the cold war and Putin’s imperial aspirations for the pub this week. My friends are always looking to me for guidance on this sort of thing – it’s just politics politics politics with those guys!”
“Fascinating stuff, just fascinating” he muttered, as he continued to copy down authoritative soundbites he couldn’t possibly defend if actually challenged.
“Ah, the latest UN report on the crisis just came out.” Casey commented “Oh. Its two hundred pages long” he said, quickly scrolling down. “That was interesting”.
Casey was last seen walking into a local pub, hands covered in recent Ukrainian GDP figures, and yelling “Ukraine eh – it’s just one bloody thing after another with those guys!” to no one in particular.