Mandela smiling down from coloured section of heaven

Nelson Mandela is smiling beneficently down on all the people of earth regardless of their race or creed, according to reports from the section of heaven for black people.

“The coloured section of heaven is great,” St Peter is reported to have said earlier today, ushering Mandela through a grubby side-door just down from the Pearly Gates. “It has huge Olympic swimming pools, just for blacks, giant drinking fountains, for blacks, and giant, state-of-the-art blacks-only toilets. Obviously it’s not quite as nice as the whites-only section of heaven, but still, not bad. You’ll have fun, Nelson. You’ve earned it.”

Even those who have had disagreements with Mandela’s views on equality today expressed their happiness at him finally being at peace ‘where he belongs’, alongside other famous activists like Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks. “If anyone deserves to be in the coloured section of heaven, it’s Mandela,” said apartheid-era South African President B. J. Vorster as he floated past on a whites-only cloud.

“Yep, it’s common knowledge that Heaven’s an apartheid state,” commented civil rights lawyer Don Sanchez. “I mean, look at it. White robes, white clouds, white wings, motherfuckers floating around playing harps. If that shit wasn’t started by a white guy then I have no idea what was. But I’m sure Nelson will be happy there. He’ll find something to occupy himself with.”

At the time of press, Mandela was said to be leading a chorus of ‘I shall be released’ which echoed beautifully through the blacks-only section of heaven, although everyone in the whites-only section was too busy enjoying eternal whites-only happiness to notice.

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