Father Christmas has been placed on the ‘Naughty’ List by HM Revenue and Customs
A study published today has estimated that more than £1.8bn in taxes and lost revenue and thousands of jobs may be lost this December due to the import of free goods by a conglomerate headed up by reclusive billionaire Father Christmas.
Due to its offshore incorporation at the North Pole, Father Christmas Inc. (trading as ‘Santa Claus’) is able to avoid paying corporation taxes in Britain, and by using reindeer instead of conventional haulage methods the company also dodges both road tax and fuel duty. Current government estimates put the figure of corporation tax lost due to Santa’s offshore status at around £1.5bn. Historically a small regional business, the Claus brand rose to become a global phenomenon since the striking of a lucrative sponsorship deal with the Coca-Cola corporation 80 years ago.
Doug Rinch from the Federation of Small Businesses is lobbying the government to introduce heavy tariffs on all goods brought into the country as seasonal freebies. “British businesses simply can’t compete. What parent would buy from a local retailer when there is a foreign importer delivering free to their fireplace?”
Father Christmas has also come under fire for exclusively employing unpaid interns, known colloquially as ‘elves’. These interns are not given a salary, health care or even a Christmas holiday allowance, and are expected to work 20-hour days “for the joy they bring children everywhere”. The interns are also forced to wear ‘humiliating’ ear attachments and bright green clothes.
One anonymous reindeer spoke to Underground about the inhumane work conditions. “We’re expected to get by on what children leave out for us – how do a few carrots sustain a whole herd of reindeer for a 50,000 mile flight?” he said, hiding his shiny red nose behind a hoof.
Opponents of the Lapland-based present distribution conglomerate have launched a ‘Keep Christmas British’ Campaign, featured British-made toys delivered by Royal Mail. British Christmas is expected to be delivered 3-5 working days after December 25th, dependent on weather conditions.