Heston Blumenthal: “All the top chefs are on drugs”


“Can anybody else see that flame?”

It’s time for people to face the facts – we all do drugs. It’s just part of the industry we’re in. Do they really think that I come up with triple-Michelin-starred dishes such as meat fruit and bacon ice-cream while having a quiet glass of Chardonnay in the evening? I think it’s no secret that when I came up with the idea of snail porridge, I was so doped up I could barely turn on the hob.

Do you think putting pasta into hot water and cooking until al dente for eight hours a day would be a tolerable way of life when sober? You’d lose your shit by the second sitting. Even my kitchen porter eats 12 pro-plus before his shift.

Of course, there are also practical benefits to being a pot-head and a Michelin starred chef. When you get the munchies, you eat cheese on toast; when I get high, I serve seared mackerel fillet on a bed of parsnip crisps with a loganberry jus. It’s a bit gross sounding now I’ll admit.

You know, we tried to give you guys a hint with the whole ‘Great British Bake Off’ thing. How obvious do we have to make it?

And don’t think it’s just me and Nigella. We’re all at it. Jamie got the nickname ‘Naked Chef’ after wandering around a showroom kitchen in Ikea bollock naked while tripping acid. Gary Rhodes is more of a glue sniffer, of course. I’ve never actually asked Ainsley what he’s on, but from the looks of things it’s good stuff. And I’m sure you already know that Delia is a massive smackhead.

Gordon Ramsay? No, as far as I know, he’s just an angry, angry man.

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