David Ross, a project manager at Hayes and Co, has this morning dropped a series of hints about his weekend activities in what colleagues are describing as “a clear attempt at conversational entrapment”.
While making tea in the open-plan office, Ross made a series of loud comments while in earshot of other employees, including “God, my thighs are killing me!” and “You know, owls are really weird when you get up close to them” which offered tantalising glimpses into Ross’ life but little in the way of actual information. However, his coworkers in Hayes and Co’s break room, being familiar with his tactics, have so far remained placid and unmoved.
Rebecca Brown, the company’s office manager, told us: “When I’d just started here I overheard David saying “Apparently it’s illegal to wear this to work”. When I asked what he meant he turned around and said ‘because it’s too funny!”. He was wearing a Monty Python tie. I had to sit there and fake-laugh as he reenacted his favourite sketches, verbatim, for half an hour. I’ve learned from my mistakes” Brown went on. “Sadly, others may not be so lucky.”
Fellow employees advise operating with extreme caution when dealing with Ross. ‘Have a clear action plan – if you need to ask him a question, try and make it a ‘yes or no’. Don’t go in with anything open-ended or you’ll be there for days. If in doubt, always say you’re expecting a phone call, or arrange for a colleague to extract you from his desk space within 5 minutes.”
This afternoon a senior line-manager a the firm issued an email recommending all colleagues to “avoid responding to Ross if he laughs loudly and repeatedly at something he is looking at on his computer. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, ask him ‘what’s so funny?’. It’s just not worth it”.
At the time of going to press Ross appears to be quietly getting on with some work, but a sense of dread is looming over the office as lunchtime approaches. There have been some concerns raised about of the imminent threat of Ross sending an email with the subject line of ‘MEGALOLZ’ and then ambushing anyone who passes his desk to ask if they’ve read it yet.