Another tragedy on the streets of the capital was avoided today as hundreds of cyclists’ lives were saved by a three foot wide strip of blue paint. The cycle super highway from Stratford to Aldgate is one of several routes using the unique “coat of paint” technology that adequately protects human flesh and bones from impacts with tonnes of steel traveling at high speeds.
“We did look into separate lanes with physical barriers between cyclists and drivers of vehicles that could potentially kill them, but then we stumbled across this just-as-effective ‘blue paint’ technology,” explained a Transport for London official. “We’re confident that blue paint provides adequate security while also meeting key budgetary requirements. It’s up to 100% effective!”
Boris Johnson was quick to praise the revolutionary system: “We’ve built many world class cycling highways at minimal cost to the taxpayer. And we call them highways so you know they’re legitimate infrastructure.”
“Anyone who managed to get killed while using these incredibly safe highways must have been the cause of their own death, perhaps by deliberately straying outside the safe haven of the blue paint. I feel perfectly OK with making that statement based on no knowledge of the incident whatsoever.”
For some HGV drivers however the thin strip of blue paint infringes on their vehicular freedom too much. “These people don’t even pay road tax, why should I have to pay attention to where my massive truck is in relation to them?” complained one driver. “Why is it always the little guy getting crushed by health and safety laws?”