Figures released by the Government today have shown that rising living costs in London are pushing terrorists out of the capital.
Many young terrorists continue to move to London with the best of intentions but find that the opportunities for terror are extremely limited. Even minor sleeper cells are only offering unpaid internships, which most terrorism graduates can only fund through part-time work. “It’s making terrorism the preserve of the middle class,” complained one al-Qaeda intern. “They’re not getting the best terrorists, just the ones who can afford to live in London.”
“Young terrorists just can’t get on the terror ladder,” said another anonymous terrorist. “My parents were lucky enough to be able to afford their first act of terror when they were in their late 20s, but I’m resigned to only attacking cheaper suburban areas.”
Boris Johnson has bemoaned the effect on social diversity. “Terrorism is what’s made London the vibrant, global city it is today. It would be a tragedy to not have any more tragedies – if you get my drift!”
“It’s really important for social diversity that we don’t lose our terrorists in the same way we pushed our violent gangs out of the central boroughs.” explained Peter Conroy, a sociologist at LSE. “This brain drain will certainly benefit regions surrounding London, but we need to ensure we have a strong core of terror and street violence in our capital as well.”
Terrorists have welcomed the promise of short-term loans and more affordable housing to blow up from the government, but claim that more needs to be done. The weakening pound and soaring fuel prices are also having an impact on their prospects, as one explained: “We’re being caught in the middle once again. Even if I could afford to fill the tank of my car bomb and pay the congestion charge to drive in rush-hour traffic, the cost of fertiliser on the black market will kill me!”