The Confederation of British Industry today struck back at the BritishElectorate™ who they accused of “trading promises of political favours for their support in a manner that’s basically bribery”
“These lobbyists have met with MPs on thousands of occasions in the past year, often in party offices in the back rooms of village halls” said Chris Leyland speaking on behalf of large corporate interests across the country. “Last year one old lady lobbied her MP to fix a pothole she had fallen in outside her house and within 4 months it was gone! Can you imagine if I tried to do that? They’d probably say, ‘write up a tender and then we’ll give you £143m to do it yourself’. But I guess these people just don’t have to play by the rules.”
Supporters of this influential “electorate” oligopoly say that because they represent 60 million members and business lobbys represent only a tiny, massively wealthy elite, they should be given a proportional say in the running of the country. Mr Leyland disagrees: “Once again they’re allowing the big players to trample over the little guys. When we lobby politicians we have to bribe them with party donations, but when it’s this lobby, suddenly the politicians are paying to impress them.”
“It’s been a long time coming,” said the Home Secretary today. “The BritishElectorate™ simply can’t expect to rule the country by sneaky tactics such as holding elections for Members of Parliament – that’s not how democracy works. Besides, we have to make sure there’s space in government for worthier lobbying groups such as the PNWA (Pro-Nuclear War Alliance) and the ABRE foundation (Anything But Renewable Energy.
If the CBI get what they want, the British Electorate™ -which has grown from only 240,000 members in 1780 to be one of the most contentious participants in UK politics- will no longer be allowed to sway politicians using their current bullyboy tactics known as ‘voting’. It is our hope that they will instead have to go through approved lobbyists like the rest of us” said a spokesman for the CBI. “And if they can’t manage to do that then they should just butt out and let politicians and the rest of us get on with whatever it is we want to do with the country.”
Russell Brand urged any fans of his that may be in the BE™ to restrain themselves from use their “suffrage” to unfairly influence the system. “There are lots of problems in the world and the last thing you should do is have your say on them. Just wait until the super fun revolution starts to try and have your voice heard.”