American coffee chain Starbucks yesterday announced plans to personalise their service by asking every customer for a regret, which will then be recorded incorrectly in a badly-spelled scrawl on a disposable paper cup.
“Latte for the man who really wishes he’d applied himself more to pursuing his dream career as a script-writer but is now an accountant who is slowly becoming more conservative in his old age to compensate for his perpetual misery and annoy!” yelled a cheerful barista. A tired man in a grey suit looked unsure before collecting his coffee. “I definitely said ‘ennui’, not ‘annoy’. Can they not read their own handwriting?” he said, staring into his latte. “It’s almost as if they don’t care.”
“We want to show our customers that although they’re all basically identical, miserable human beings who shuffle about between meaningless cups of terrible coffee, we here at this enormous corporate conglomerate understand individuality,” said Dave Green, Head Barista at Clapham Starbucks. “Having deeply personal regrets condensed onto a mass-produced disposable waste item really emphasises for our customers the value we place on them as a key part of the Starbucks brand.”
“Every single coffee we make is unique, every single coffee we make is unique”, chanted four bleary-eyed trainee baristas in unison over and over again, as the sun slowly set on yet another depressing day.