“Which one is it in the James Bond movies - MI5 or MI6?”

Home Affairs Select Committee asks Guardian to explain “what exactly GCHQ does”

“Which one is it in the James Bond movies - MI5 or MI6?”

“Which one is it in the James Bond movies – MI5 or MI6?”

The Guardian has been asked to appear before the home affairs committee so they can teach the government how to obtain data on the governments secretive surveillance operations that have recently come to light.

The UK government made a formal request to the Guardian today to present a full briefing on everything the newspaper knows about the surveillance state, admitting they know “basically nothing” about the intricate web of back-channel monitoring that every British citizen is subject to.

“For a long time we just didn’t want to know about what our brave defenders were up to. It made it seem more exciting, like in a Bond movie” said committee head Keith Vaz. “But over the last few months we realised we didn’t have a clue what they were actually capable of and frankly I think my Gmail address book containing many wealthy businessmen from the middle east may have put me on some watch lists.”

It is now believed that when the government smashed up the Guardian’s computers last Spring they were only acting out of hurt. “I guess we were just jealous of you guys back then because you’re so smart about technology and stuff.” said a remorseful David Cameron. “We’re really sorry. Can we be friends now?”

Mr Vaz said the committee would be especially keen to recruit some of the Guardian’s contacts to help walk them through the processes. “We understand your employee [sic] Mr Snowden is fully qualified in the technology. Do you think he’d be available to teach one of those Guardian Masterclasses I’ve seen advertised online?”

Across the political spectrum, people are becoming more interested in what GCHQ do. “So they can comb your emails for key words and convert phone calls to text? Well I hope the phrase ‘I’m going to take Cameron down’ doesn’t look bad out of context” said Boris Johnson.

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