In an effort to fight back against fraudulent asylum seekers pretending to be gay or lesbian, the UK Border Agency has announced the introduction of a sophisticated ‘gay chicken’ test. The carefully developed scientific test sees border officials attempt to make out with claimants of the same sex.
“It’s quite simple,” explained Simon Rawls, Head of Border Control. “We go in for a gay kiss without warning in the midst of a normal interrogation. If they flinch away, we know they’re not really gay and we send them straight back to their oppressive regimes to possibly be tortured and killed. If they don’t, then all the other border officials run in and shout ‘GAY!’ lots of times. It’s great fun.”
The Home Office were keen to stress the improved nature of the test over previous procedures. “Before we’d ask refugees to name at least six West End musicals,” said Jerry O’Donnell. “If they couldn’t do that, then they obviously weren’t gay enough to be let into the UK. But then somebody pointed out that some refugees don’t speak English, which might have explained why they looked blank when we asked them what they thought of Judy Garland. So it was back to the drawing board.”
“We used to get them to bring in all their gay pornography as well,” said Rawls. “But obviously we had to look through that very carefully, so it was very exhausting. This is much more rigorous. A few of the border guards, myself included, have had to make out with refugees for as much as 20 minutes just to check they are actually gay and not just bi-curious,” Rawls explained. “I’m not gay,” he added.
LGBT organizations have criticized the gay chicken test as “demeaning, distressing, and completely ineffective”. “The idea that you can ‘test’ someone’s sexuality in this way is ludicrous,” said a campaigner. “I’m amazed that our government think it’s acceptable to process asylum seekers in this inhumane way.” The government has responded that “complaining about gay chicken is such a gay thing to do”.
The Border Agency refused to confirm or deny rumours that they are close to developing a working gaydar.