In a move criticised as being ‘directly against the idea of transparent government’ by coalition members, Ed Miliband has today formed what is being referred to as a ‘shadow cabinet’. Although this deviant organisation holds no office and is not beholden to the public, it will seek to influence those at the helm of the country through ‘opposition’, a dark art consisting of spells that seek to reverse everything the government tries to do.
The members of the shadow cabinet are mostly unknown to the public, only adding to paranoia that evil plotting may already be underway.
“I heard the shadow minister for transport travels only by night in a hearse drawn by six jet black stallions,” said one distressed Londoner who wished to remain nameless. “And I’m pretty sure I saw the shadow minister for the environment communing with wildlife in a pig-blood-drinking ceremony on Hackney Downs!”
While these rumors cannot be verified, Underground can confirm that the shadow minister for health cannot be seen in reflective surfaces, is allergic to garlic, and has recently claimed that NHS blood banks need to be urgently replenished.
The formation of the shadow cabinet may be related to Miliband’s pledges of allegiance to ‘the unions’, a powerful cabal of ancient origins that holds men powerless in their spell and seeks to drain the lifeblood from the economy. “Edwaaaard! We have made you what you are today and now you must do our bidding!” announced the ghoulish union leader known as The Crow yesterday. “Raise tube fares on the hard-working people of the land and redistribute the proceeds so we may dance and fornicate in our underground fortress!”
Government insiders are less shocked by the developments than may have been expected. “When I was an intern I spent a whole week lugging gallons of blood up to Salisbury plains so that Mrs Thatcher could keep the IMF at bay,” said a junior Tory minister. “The less said about Michael Howard the better.”
The shadow cabinet’s first proposed policy is rumoured to be ‘the freezing of fire’, commonly known as a cap on energy prices.