The government today announced a plan to encourage more young people onto the property gallows (formerly known as ‘the property ladder’). The scheme, dubbed ‘Help to Insolvency’, is designed to ensure that young people can realise their dream of accumulating a mountain of debt.
“The thought of never having my own personal financial black hole is terrifying,” said one enthusiastic first-time debtor. “Hopefully this will mean I can bring my children up in a home burdened with debt, just like my parents did for me.”
“It’s important that we in government do everything we can to get this noose around young people’s necks,” said David Cameron. “If we don’t get as many people as possible onto the property gallows, we won’t be able to jam the trapdoor with bodies when the trapdoor inevitably opens.”
Economists have praised the initiative for empowering ordinary people to act like irresponsible bankers. “The ideal economy is composed of an infinite number of too big to fail entities,” one analyst explained. “If people can’t afford to buy homes because the prices are too high, then it makes perfect sense for the government to loan them the money from its own non-existent funds to keep the prices too high, thus making everybody in debt. Perfect sense.”
Cameron has rubbished claims that the policy could fuel a dangerous housing bubble: “Nonsense. This policy will fuel a fabulous housing bubble – the housing bubble we’ve all been waiting for! Someday a bubble will be blown that can’t be burst, that’s just statistics. And even if it were to burst, it would almost certainly do so at some point in the distant future, roughly a year and a half from now, when Labour are in power. So that’s fine.”