John Kerry

America on the brink of diplomacy

John Kerry

“My fellow Americans. I have failed you.”

The nations of the world were today bracing themselves for the worst, following a ‘dangerous escalation in talks’ that has brought the US close to a potential diplomatic resolution of the Syria crisis.

Supporters of the president were today calling for warmer heads to prevail in congress as chances for a lucrative war seemed to be slipping from his grasp: “There’s a real possibility now that America will fail to bomb Syria, with catastrophic consequences” said Janet Bradley, a teacher from Arkansas.“I don’t want my kids to grow up in a world with all these unused bombs just sitting on the shelf.”

The impending peace was brought about by a gaffe from the US Secretary of State John Kerry, which has since snowballed into a major diplomatic incident. “John Kerry was obviously joking when he said the Syrians should turn over their chemical weapons!” said President Obama in a key address to the nation. “That should be clear to anyone who understands modern diplomatic relations. He was just trying to break the tension because realistically there is no way we are not going to war. It is the height of of cynicism for the Russians to take this statement at face value.”

News organisations are at a loss as to how they can cover this unfamiliar process. “This would be the first time in living memory that diplomacy has broken out in the run up to a major military engagement and no-one is sure how this will play out.” said the editor of the BBC’s nightly news lineup. “We had all these badass graphics all ready to go, with fire and explosions and blood splatters covering the screen. Do you want to be the guy who has to ask Mike in graphics to whip up a compelling montage of peace talks and relieved Syrian families? It will just kill him!”

Anti-anti-war lobbying groups from the arms and petrochemical sectors today warned Obama that the fragile US economy could not afford another drawn-out peace campaign. A representative from the weapons firm Lockheed Martin told reporters: “The president needs to understand that there are American jobs at risk, and he must be willing to lay down a few Syrian lives to protect these.”

Pro-war protests are expected to be held in major cities across the globe this week as people from across the military industrial complex seek assurances from the president that he will live up to his word. “He has already gotten the Nobel peace prize. What’s he trying to prove?” said Nick Gentile, who is protesting in London this weekend. “The bad guy, or someone in his vicinity, has crossed a red line and convention demands the good guys now kick his ass. In a measured and responsible fashion of course.”

“How we’re meant to protect Syrian lives by being so reasonable and level-headed is beyond me” said Senator John McCain, a prominent Washington hawk. “This isn’t the time for thinking things through!” he added, all the while continuing to play poker on his phone.

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