Pope Francis

Pope: “Plenty of people left to hate, beside gays”

Pope Francis

Pope Francis today called an impromptu press conference to reassure Catholics that they still have plenty of people to irrationally hate, despite his conciliatory remarks about gay people. “I mean, just off the top of my head: militant secularists, women who have abortions, the liberal media, condom manufacturers…I can go on like this for days,” he said. “And I haven’t even got started on the Protestants! Yes, I think it’s safe to say there’s still plenty of hate left in Catholicism.”

Crowds in St. Peter’s Square jubilantly celebrated the re-affirmation of the central dogmas of the Catholic Church. “If anything, tolerating gays means we can hate all the other ostracised groups just that little bit more vehemently,” said an enthusiastic Sally Barker as she cheered the news. “This sort of hatred is what keeps the Church together.”

Long-term homophobic Catholics around the world have already quickly adapted to the Vatican’s new stance on gays. “I gather from television sitcoms that gays can be very bitchy and hateful. So they’ll fit right in with the rest of us!” said John Raffles. “Although of course they shouldn’t become priests.”

“Sometimes you’ve got to ask yourself what Jesus would do,” said the Pope as he cheerfully climbed the steps to his private jet to fly away from the slums of Brazil back to his golden house. “Of course the answer is that he’d do the same thing as whatever I’ve happened to decide today, except for when someone else in the future wearing this hat decides something completely different. It’s as simple as that.”

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